The Book of Gigs
And it came to pass in the land of Clublan that the musician Frumbledum was summoned to the presence of King Mordblorg.
Frumbledum did kneel before King Mordblorg who did speak unto him, saying “I command thee to assemble a Band for Gigs. The Gigs shall be weddings, corporate events, private parties for rich jerks, and other Gigs like unto these.”
Frumbledum said unto his king “It shall be done, oh mighty king!”
“Listen well,” King Mordblorg said. “First, thou shall find two singers; a male and a female. The male shall be like unto a strutting peacock, and think himself like unto John Legend. But he shall sing like unto a constipated chimpanzee. The female shall be a prissy diva, and think herself like unto Adele. But she shall sing like unto a cat in heat. During load in, setup, and load out, neither shall ever touch a piece of gear. And they shall be paid more than the rest of the band. Ask not why.
Frumbledum said unto his king “Yes, my liege.”
And King Mordblorg smacked Frumbledum upside the head saying “Silence! Interrupt me not!”
And King Mordblorg did continue, saying unto Frumbledum “Next, thou shall find a keyboardist. He shall be a gearhead and have many pieces of gear and no less than two laptops. But he shall only actually need and use a few of them. And he shall have a Theremin and play it out of tune on every song.
“Next thou shall find me a guitarist. He shall be an aging metalhead. He shall have a guitar with sharp angles, many boxes upon which he shall stomp, and an amplifier like unto an industrial refrigerator. He shall play many sweeping arpeggios, and he shall tap, and make excessive use of his wiggle stick. He shall wear leather, and chains, and denim with holes ripped in it. He shall drink too much and always be coked up.
‘Next thou shall find me a saxophone player. He shall be a bebopper and play Bird licks without stopping, even upon the schmaltzy ballads. He shall get high during the breaks, and think himself better than anyone else.
‘Next, thou shall find me a bass player. He shall play nothing but root notes where melodies are needed and chromatic lines where root notes shall suffice. He shall be overweight, have a bushy mustache and wear an ill-fitting tuxedo. He shall have an offensive odor of his body and drink beer all night.”
And Frumbledum did marvel at the words of the King, but sayeth nothing, for fear of being slapped upside the head.
“Next thou shall find a drummer,” King Mordblorg saith unto Frumbledum. “He shall have an enormous drum set. His rhythm shall be faulty and his technique sloppy and he shall play fills everywhere. Yet he will think of himself like unto Buddy Rich, and behave like unto Ginger Baker and Keith Moon.
“Next thou shall find me a trumpet player. He shall be a bebopper like unto the saxophone player, and think he is like unto Miles Davis. He shall trade licks with the saxophonist and they will get high together.
“Next thou shall find me a string section. They shall be three; violin, viola, and cello. They shall be female Juilliard dropouts. They shall fake parts on every song and play half notes and whole notes forevermore. They shall have cheap Chinese made pickups on their instruments that will make feedback that shall causeth great and intolerable pain.
“Next thou shall find me three backup singers. They shall be female and be resentful of the female lead singer. They will conspire to get her fired at every gig and gossip about her. Ask not why.
“Next thou shall find me a booking agent. His character shall be shady, and he will take 50% commission and whatever else he can steal. When he speaks he will lie.
“Next, thou shall find me a manager. He shall perform no useful function whatsoever, and steal whatever the booking agent fails to steal.
“Finally, thou shall find me a DJ. He shall have but a laptop and a DJ controller. He shall dance like unto one afflicted with St. Vitus Dance and make gestures like unto controlling the music that shall be fake and produce no effect at all. He shall play music at every break and remind the musicians how easily they can be replaced. The band shall be fearful and resentful of him, and he shall be contemptuous of them.
“Go, do not return until thou hast completed thy task!”
And Frumbledum did go into the land in search of the musicians for the band. And he did what King Mordblorg hath commanded.
And the band did play gigs.
And the Gigs were weddings, corporate events, private parties for rich jerks, and other Gigs like unto this.
And it came to pass that nobody ever listened to them.